For a year I’ve been messing up
            and it’s getting old:
The friends I keep, the drugs I put
            in me to numb the pain,
The f***-it attitude.
The more I affect my family bad, the more pain I have inside.
So I do more drugs to cover the pain,
A revolving door.

I spend more time in Juvie than ever — I sit and think.

My mom gave up on me this time,
Said I can’t come home,
So I’m trying to set up a plan to move forward.

When I drink and smoke it makes me feel “better than”
            instead of “lesser than.”
The domino effect takes hold of my life for a couple of weeks,
            and I don’t even remember what happens,
            and I’m back here.

I think it’s a lot of guilt, shame, and remorse,
Stress and tension, thoughts scrambled.
I just don’t care till I sober up,
And I don’t give my body a chance till I’m in here.

Each time I feel less and less remorseful, better and better.
Each time in here is getting easier and easier,
Which scares me, because I don’t want to be a jailbird forever.

When I think about my brother and sister,
All the feelings from my childhood
—my dad abandoning me—
And I feel like I’m doing the same to them.

My dad stabbed someone in front of me when I was 4.
He’s never really been there.
My stepdad always has,
But I don’t let him.
I keep playing and playing him to get my way.

I’m losing all hope.
I have nothing left but myself.
I’m not ready to be an adult at 16.
But I can’t man up.
When it comes time to pick up responsibility,
            that’s when I pick up the drugs again.

The preacher said something this week:
I need 180 degrees
           — not a little bit, but everything.
It’s scary to think I have to change everything about myself to be the person I Want to be.
This time I’ve got to change completely,
            100% or nothing.

I want to strive:
            back to treatment
            back to job court
            back to my mom

I’m going to have to work against drugs the rest of my life.
And I can’t keep going back to old friends and expecting different results,
Because that’s insanity.

I guess I’m kind of insane.

But I’ve got to change everything
            all at once.


Dedicated to my loving family